Observations Monday 13 JAN 2020

It's been a while. Almost exactly a decade ago, my mother died. It changed everything. This decade change is changing everything too. In the last four months, I've been faced with a lot of challenges. Job loss, health, relationship with friends, an uncertain future. Oh. And becoming a senior. Ten years later, no teeth, and hair going white. Not as strong. Unable to drive long distances. Today was a hammering day. My body, recovering still from surgery in late October, couldn't make it to my temporary job. I've found out, to my great regret, that it is not as resilient as it used to be. My friends point out that ageism is rampant in my profession, and it is time to move to another stage of my life. I can't take the hammering I used to. Welcome my senior years. My employer is not pleased. I'm more accurate and personable than my colleagues, but the numbers must be hit. Contracting is a cruel mistress. A steady, low-income position is better than constant fear. This means another social, and income reduction. Due to an angel of a cousin, I was able to resolve the medical issues, and survive the last part of 2019 (good riddance), along with the help of friends. One friend is tired of helping, and that hurts. No one likes to be saddled with a hard-luck friend. Another friend lost his father, and his future is insecure as well. He does have a paid-for house, with utilities for life. I don't. My great fear is loss of shelter, belongings, and identity. I've already lost my teeth... I may have to move out of my low rent lodgings, into truly dismal ones. I will need to shed the majority of my possessions, again, just as after my mother's death. I have found out that it's possible to live without a vehicle (a city with public transport), and my food budget has gone down considerably. Only soft foods for me, perhaps indefinitely. The loss of the teeth has a host of consequences in speaking, eating, breathing, self-esteem...the list is incredible. But, I'm free of the dental issues that have plagued me all my life. Better health, in the long term. The great issues are physical survival, and loneliness, common issues for seniors. My friends are retiring. They are moving on. I must continue working. Also, my life is isolated from my peers, and has little connection with others at work. I do not need much in the way of possessions and material items. I do not need a house, and it's attendant responsibilities. What I have accumulated has great emotional attachment, but not great usefulness. It's the process of letting go that hurts the most. I have no family in this area. The nearest family that is interested in me is 700 miles away. That's a long walk. I have an excellent counselor, friends, and most of my health, and my car. I should be thankful. I'm also scared. Restarting this blog is one way of getting my feelings out, without having them eat me up. Tomorrow, I may, or may not, have a job left. I still have a life left. I'm pretty sure that I would like it with a happier, more realistic outlook on things. Note: before I moved to my present location, I was aware of weather, and the outside world. Dismal lodgings might actually let me see the outside world- and have radio and TV reception. :)